Paperwork is the bane of the U.S. health system. Hospitals hire trolls to ensure that physicians and nurses document every last detail of a patient’s bowel movement in case of legal dispute. Social workers hound us to document minutiae so that the hospitals will receive their cut of the bill. I was recently told to draw a down arrow along with “K+” to document hypokalemia so that the hospital will be able to bill for the medical condition.

I am in the process of registering to work in a new hospital system in another state. The other day, I received a huge packet of poorly photocopied paperwork to be completed before I get hired. One of them is a statement that I will not sue my employer under any circumstances. Another form states that if I choose to work at this hospital, I am forbidden to moonlight in my free time. Other forms include various tax withholding forms (W-4′s, IT-2104′s), applications for employment, background check forms, and a variety of nondescript forms with a blank to sign and date.

To think, these forms are only for residency training! How much worse is the paperwork for a real job? I would have thought that the blood and sweat ended after I matched, but I’ve come to realize it’s a lifelong journey.

Do doctors in other countries have to go through the same harrowing process simply to practice medicine? What if I moved to France or China? Would there be as much paperwork? The thought of practicing medicine outside the U.S. is intriguing….

Readers! Please share your thoughts!

medicine humor, medicine, rant

In the research arena, there is always a “conflict of interest” declaration to enumerate any reasons why the researcher may benefit from favorable results of a study. Many times, the researcher’s lab is sponsored by the very same company whose drug  is being studied. Other times, the primary investigator holds stock in the pharmaceutical. Regardless, any conflict of interest is often viewed with critical skepticism, based on the notion that research should be purely scientific.

I’ve never had any financial disclosures in research. Is that good? I’ve begun to reconsider. Would it not be a privilege to be able to state that you are a primary shareholder in a pharmaceutical company? After all, don’t you have to be an important person to be in that situation? Don’t we all want to be important?

My next goal: strive to generate as many conflicts of interest as possible. More to follow…

medicine humor, medicine

I think the local hospital was built on what used to be a pond or reservoir. There are many fowl hanging around the parking lot and the manmade pond in front of the hospital. I took this photo with my phone when I was leaving around midnight. Poor ducks. It’s actually sad to be part of the problem displacing nature from its original habitat.

misc humor

In the spirit of The Office, I considered replicating Michael’s attempt to impress a personalized contribution to society by dunking my face in the newly minted black-top (It was still steaming) in the hospital parking lot.  The thought was short-lived, however; somehow I doubted that fresh black-top is as malleable as wet cement. Nonetheless, it would have been more enjoyable than performing medical research, with comparable results.

medicine humor

I’m always amazed at the types of food that hospitals serve in their cafeterias. I remember that I once saw a McDonald’s in the basement of one of the teaching hospitals of Baylor. The food court of the Cleveland Clinic (in Cleveland, not to be confused with ones in Abu Dhabi or Florida) also has a McDonald’s, right across from a TexMex stand that serves tasty nachos. Yes, why don’t we serve a 1500 calorie extra value meal to a guy whose family member just had an MI? What a great way to strum up future business in the cath lab!

My current hospital is no different. During my block of night float, I discovered that the cafeteria grill cooked items off menu. Off menu! I liked that. So on the last night of my block, when the only parts of my body that hadn’t been punished were my arteries, I custom ordered a Texas Toast grilled cheese sandwich. Two extra-thick processed slices of white bread painted (yes, painted) with a glistening coat of grease, with FOUR slices of american cheese in the center. Wholesome goodness. They should serve that with a statin.

medicine humor, toon